"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer "  (Original Screenplay by Michael Allen)

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

TRACKING SHOT of a snow covered city:apartments, banks, department stores. It’s Christmas time... it’s the lovely, beautiful, glorious day before Christmas!

TITLES ROLL over the song “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo and Patsy.

CLOSE UP - NEW YORK LICENSE PLATE

CLOSE UP - A BUMPER STICKER

IT READS: “DON’T PICK ON ME, I’M A BASKET CASE ALREADY”

INT. CAR - DAY

We get our first full look at the family from hell.

In the back seat, sits RANDY, about 12, black hair, with a snarl across his face.

Sitting next to him is CANDY, about 13, a blonde haired princess wearing sharp braces.

Sitting in a car seat is toddler, BABY JUSTIN.

In the front seat, sits PAULA, the heavy set mother. She is wearing a tent dress. She holds a purse the size of a pillow on her lap. She’s wearing bright red lipstick.

Next to her is the driver and her husband, BILL. He is very tired from years of child-rearing. He just wants a nap.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" continues to play on the car radio.

PAULA
Alright, we’re changing the station!

RANDY
M-o-m, that’s a great song!

PAULA
How would you like it if that
happened to your grandmother?

RANDY
(laughs)
That’d be cool

. PAULA
You don’t mean that.

RANDY
(laughs)
Yeah I do!

PAULA
No, you don’t. Let’s listen to something
lovely and uplifting.

We hear various radio stations being flipped through, finally stopping on “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby.

RANDY
(feigning pain)
Oh God, please no!

PAULA
That’s lovely, that’s Sinatra.

CANDY
It sounds like it’s on the
wrong speed.

CLOSE UP - CANDY'S LEGS HANGING OUT A WINDOW

BILL
Candy, get your legs in the car!

CANDY
(whiney)
D-a-d, I’m trying to get a tan!

BILL
Do you want to get your leg
knocked off like Cousin Jerome?

CANDY
It wasn’t his leg, it was his arm!

Randy and Candy LAUGH.

BILL
Kids, that’s not funny. He lost his job teaching
swimming at the Y. He swims in circles

.Randy and Candy HOWL with LAUGHTER

.BILL
Paula, where are they getting this from?

PAULA
It was your idea to get HBO.

CANDY
(whiney)
Mom, do we have to go to Grammi’s?

PAULA
Yes, they’re your family for
God’s sakes!

CANDY
No, they’re your family. I’m
not related to them.

PAULA
Kids, are you ashamed of your
Grandparents?

RANDY/CANDY
Yes!

PAULA
No, you’re not. You don’t mean that.

CANDY
Yes, we do.

RANDY
Their house smells like old lady.

PAULA
Your grandparents do not smell.
That’s a terrible thing to say.

CANDY
Something in their house smells.

PAULA
Alright, alright... maybe the
drapes could use a little washing.
(pause)
And maybe the rug needs a little cleaning.
(pause)
Just make sure you wear shoes. You don’t want to catch worms.

CANDY
All their furniture has plastic on it.

RANDY
Grammi says Grand leaks.

PAULA
He doesn't leak. That’s just a a very.. uhh...
stylish way to decorate.