"Dating and Dining" (Westside Today May 2005)

For some reason I've had my worst dates at some of the best restaurants on the Westside. Like some odd bell curve, it seems the better the food, the worse the date. Fortunately, I am the type who clings to the past obsessively and can recall the moments and cuisine.

Ivy at the Shore
1541 Ocean Avenue
Santa Monica
310-393-3113

The Seafood Fettuccine is amazing, the service terrific and the atmosphere near the shore makes you long for the sea; which is exactly where I wanted to jump after my girlfriend Sunshine (her real name!) confessed that she had been seeing an old boyfriend, one of the members of Monty Python, behind my back. She tried to cushion the blow by saying, “I told him what a funny writer you are!” Err, thanks.

Frankie & Johnnie's New York Pizza
11753 San Vicente Blvd.
Brentwood
310-442-9500

In this casual small hangout you can watch TV, leave your signature on the “wall of scrawl” and enjoy the mouthwatering white cheese pizza. It seemed like the perfect place to meet up with my crush Gina. To my might great surprise she brought her annoying friend who ruined the evening with her two hour “why AA doesn't help people stop drinking” speech. After two hours, I was ready to get bombed.

Il Fornaio
301 North Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills
310-550-8330

This wasn't a date, but it was still a disaster. My “power” agent wanted me to meet a “power” manager for a “power” breakfast at 8am. The only problem is I don't “power” up until noon. The three of us met at 7am (I was clinically comatose) for breakfast which I seem to recall included giant-size portions of scrambled eggs, tasty hash browns, warm muffins, and sausages so big they could have starred in a porn film. (If only I had thought of that line during breakfast, I'd be writing the next Ben Stiller film!)